Fortune Cookie #1

Hello again.

So I fancied a Chinese takeaway last night as we've not had one in ages (not that I have to justify it to you, Mr Policeman). I found the menu (after digging through about 16 Pizza Hut menus - BOY do those guys know how to waste trees!) and worked out what we were after. Then... DISASTER! They (Hong Kong, Hornchurch High Street - name and shame) are shut on a Tuesdays! What to do, what to do...

And so it was that I headed boldly into the night clutching only a £20. We, ladies and gentlemen, were through the looking glass - off to try a never-tried-before takeaway.

Frankly, I've already forgotten the name of the place I ended up in, but that's not important right now. The fact they also do Thai, Malaysian, Cantonese, and another one I've also forgotten IS important as I'll probably go back there and try them all (in my next life when I plan to have loads of disposable income to spend on takeaway food).

Anyway, the point is that this new takeaway didn't give you free prawn crackers with every order over £10, oh no, you got a fortune cookie . How cool is that! (please don't text in, it's just for fun).

Anyway, I had my food (plain chow mien, lemon chicken, hot 'n' sour soup and mini veg pancakes in case you were wondering) and then couldn't wait to find out what my fortune held.

FORTUNE COOKIE #1

"Your biggest virtue is your modesty"

Yes. I think it is. When you are as excellent as me, you have to be modest with it or people think you're a wanker. What an apt fortune (although it's not really a 'fortune', more a spot appraisal with very little in the way of a sample - the cookie had only known me 20 minutes, and for most of that I'd be throwing noodles up my nose).

I told the wife: My virtue is my modesty. Love.

"Really?" she replied, "So why do you walk around with your cock out and your balls balancing on the top of your trousers so much then?" she quizzed. Bless her.

She clearly doesn't understand how modesty works.