Friday, June 06, 2008

PokerStars guarantee a 2008 World Series of Poker Champion by sponsoring every poker player on Earth

Pokerstars today secured its chances of owning the next World Series of Poker Champion by signing up every poker player on the planet to Team Pokerstars. The company’s CEO made the announcement in a morning press conference at the Rio Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada: “With these acquisitions we’re in a position to finally nab that elusive 5th WSOP Champion”. The PPA approved the signing, noting that there was no reason why other companies couldn’t remain competitive just because they lack players.

Hallelujah! Praise be Rule 36

Apart from the obvious general excitement of the tournament, something I’m very much looking forward during the 2008 WSOP is the introduction of Rule 36. In case you’re not familiar with this new section within Hurrah’s terms and penalties, it’s basically designed to do something I’ve always wanted to do: namely punch Hevad Khan squarely in the mouth as hard as I can.

If you’ve not witnessed this poker penis in full flight at the table, might I suggest that you very quickly run a youtube search for “Hevad Khan Montage” or just dump this url into your browser:

Watched it? Good. Have you EVER seen anyone so desperate for a camera crew to come round and take their picture? (And did your arse not heal over with embarrassment as the ENTIRE audience dismissed Khan like a retarded child as he attempted to get them to play along with him?) Seriously, I don’t think he could have been any more off the mark had he invited them all to finger paint in human faeces with him.

I can’t help it – I just HATE this sort of behaviour at the table. I mean the guy is an adult! He MUST have played poker before. He MUST have been called with the best hand before. He MUST have won a pot a few times. The guy is meant to be a ‘professional’ poker player. Just how excited can you get every time something goes right?
Though I don’t often play in the sort of games that are likely to throw Hevad and I together on the same table (I don’t think he is a big fan of the £100 freezeout down the Loose Cannon), if it ever does happen I fear for my future. If he pulls any of that “BULLDOZER!” malarkey near me I am likely to lose it and go about seeing how many $500 chips I can fit into his eye sockets. Similarly, if he starts dancing with any chairs while in a pot with me I WILL burn him repeatedly with a car cigarette lighter. That’s just the way I roll…
Thankfully I need not fear any ‘hilarious antics’ from such idiots this year because Rule 36 is here. Thanks to this little beauty, Hurrahs will be stepping in to penalise players who display: “excessive celebration through extended theatrics, inappropriate behaviour, or physical actions, gestures of conduct.”

Personally I can’t wait to see Khan win a meager $T250 pot in the first level and then receive a 10 minute penalty for getting his arse out and pooing on the table in celebration. Maybe it won’t happen, but I’ll be keeping a very close eye on YouTube for the next six weeks I can tell you!