Tuesday, December 02, 2008

De Wolfe: Wasted literary genius? Discuss...

This is a strange entry, but I was recently handed a piece of paper that I didn’t know what to do with, so thought this was the best place to dump its contents.

To set the scene: I went to the Maidstone studios for a stint of commentary with Jessie May, and had two heats of the 888.com Open to work on. The morning heat was full of the usual Matchroom players: Marc Goodwin, Rolan De Wolfe, Dixie Dean, etc. and the second one was interesting in that it had Eddie Hearn himself playing in the tourney.

Now if you’ve never seen Eddie and Roland teasing each other, you’ve never seen man-boys recreating the playgournd while in their ‘mid-thirties’.

Eddie basically ribs Roland about being a ‘failed gambler who forever needs bailing out’ while Roland likes to suggest that Eddie ‘would be nothing if his rich daddy hadn’t given him a job’. Sometimes this row can go on for hours at a time. I once left a dispute, did commentary on a four-hour game, and came back to find it still going on. (I sh*t you not). Oh, they also spend a lot of time calling each other ‘fat’.

So this one particular day Roland was particularly unhappy to not be asked to do the commentary as he was relishing the thought of being able to attack Eddie constantly while Eddie was helpless to do anything about it. Needless to say Eddie asked me to work the heat rather than Roland which left him gutted. However, Roland didn’t waste the opportunity; scurrying away with paper and pen, and later presenting me with his ‘helpful notes’. He was keen that I try to use as many of them as possible during the broadcast. Needless to say, I didn’t.

Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you (word for word I hasten to add) the brain spillage of Mr Roland De Wolfe:

1. Eddie is nicknamed Darren after Darren Furguson, because he got his chance because of his dad but he’s nowhere as good.
2. Barry wanted Eddie to take over his whole business affairs, but rather like Fredo he is the useless limp son, so he gave him the poker department.
3. Eddie dated Jodie Marsh at the posh private school they went to.
4. Eddie was put on the board of Leyton Orient by his father. He has overseen a slump from top to bottom of the league and an Orient fans spokesman said "It’s like being lumbered with Barry Evans from Eastenders"
5. Also, Eddie is terrible at poker. Lost to Barry in 888 heads-up. Also, he is fat and orange like Tangoman.

So, hopefully you can see what I’m talking about here; some genuinely useful notes. Not.
Oh, and Ian Frazer didn’t get away scott free either. We continue…

1. TV specialist Frazer tried to move in on level 3 at the WSOP main event coz he thought that’s what you were meant to do.
2. Ian was asking for Marty Wilson to make a ruling at the Vic believeing he was the TD.
3. Frazer’s the richest man in Europe, owns half of Kent, and has four Ferraries.
4. Grabs people’s bollocks when drunk.
5. Relegated from Premier League for ‘abysmal performance’.
6. Couldn’t beat a £5 NL cash game or a £100 tournament that was open to all-comers.
7. Actually paid £50k to Matchroom to get in Premier League.
8. Old and washed up.

Now it’s important for me to make it clear I neither put these forward as serious opinions from Roland, nor do I agree with many (sorry - I meant ANY) of them.

Roland is a wasted writer in my opinion. His most recent Facebook status said: Roland is in Poland. It’s freezing and it appears to be 1992 here.
Genius? Discuss.


AlexB said...

hey dude, i like your waster site, very ambitious, good design. I have a blog too and do some JB writing. hit me up.

United113 said...

is going out with Jodie Marsh supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing?