Here’s a joke for you: An American walks
into a London casino and asks the way to the craps. The East European waitress
directs him to the gents’ toilets. Boom boom. I thank you.
Now under any normal
circumstance this would just seem like a really lame gag that – considering
this is my column – would hardly seem out of place. However, the above
‘hilarious’ set-up actually happened. The London Hippodrome Casino has had to
change its signage from ‘Craps’ to ‘Dice’ as people are, apparently, becoming
‘confused’ when dealing with the term craps. Oh, and just in case you don’t
know, in the UK crap means to empty one’s bowels, but is more generally used to
describe something as rubbish (e.g. the joke in the opening paragraph was crap.
You get the idea.)
Now
as I understand it, you have to be over 18 years of age to enter a casino in
the UK, an age at which you’d expect people to have matured enough to not collapse
clutching their sides when confronted with the word CRAPS hanging from the
ceiling surrounded by flashing lights. However, according to Hippodrome owner
Simon Thomas, “There’s a lot of sniggering and smirking going on”. ‘Sniggering
and smirking’? At the word craps? Oh GROW UP! Let’s just be thankful the
American in our story wasn’t wearing a ‘Fanny Pack’ or there’d have been intestines
hanging from the chandeliers as our ‘mature’ over-18s exploded with
uncontrollable laughter.
Owner
Simon Thomas also said in an interview with the Evening Standard that they
decided to make the name switch after the sign “raised eyebrows”. Now obviously
this is somewhat more refined than sniggering or smirking, but just who raises
their eyebrows anymore? This isn’t 1860, so unless Roger Moore or Leonard Nimoy
are in the room I can’t imagine a casino full of unhappy punters all looking at
each other and raising their eyebrows; a fist fight – yes - but raised eyebrows…seriously? Oh, and WHO
NOTICED THIS! Just how close up was the CCTV-monitoring staff zoomed in to
notice such facial tickery? And furthermore, exactly how seriously were they
expecting to be taken when they called in the manager to report: “Trouble on
table 12 boss; six people have raised their eyebrows.”
Meanwhile…
Newton’s Third Law tells us that “For
every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” so I’m wondering if
somewhere in the USA right now there’s an exact opposite event occurring, where
an uncomfortable Londoner is jogging into a State-side casino (where you have
to be over 21 to get in, so they must be REALLY mature) and is urgently
approaching a waitress saying “I’m dying for a crap”. What must he think when
she directs him to a group of large men wearing suits, holding wooden sticks
and accompanied by a shooter! Never mind craps, I’d shit myself.
Meanwhile
meanwhile…
Back at the Hippodrome Mr Thomas has a
problem: just how far does he take this? If people are raising their eyebrows,
sniggering, smirking and generally becoming confused over the word ‘craps’,
does he need to take a closer look at some of the other games on offer. If
someone gets to 13 on a blackjack table and demands of the dealer “hit me”
surely we can expect more than raised eyebrows once it all kicks off and they
have to call the police. And as for ‘Casino War’… well when angry staff from
neighbouring Empire and Grosvenor Casinos turn up with flick knives and sticky
bombs I certainly don’t want to be anywhere near the buffet.
End
as we began
Well I sense I’ve spread this gag about
as thin as it’s going to get, so let me end as I begun, with a lame joke:
A man enters the Hippodrome Casino and
says: “I’d love some Caribbean Stud”.
“One second sir,” says the pit boss, who
then reaches for the phone and whispers into the receiver: “get me Billy
Ocean.”
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